My Heart Drippings Went Into This Post! – The Evolution of Writing a Painful Memoir on Caregiving & Family Drama Is Transformative

I’ve got a story to tell.  I’ve mentioned it over the years in my blog, starting out with the series entitled, Terror on the Caregiver.

It is about how I am left feeling betrayed by my siblings and other family members, as I earnestly served as my mother’s sole caregiver, until her ascension.  It is a very painful story to tell, even nearly 10 years after the rivalry began.

I often stop, then start writing.  That’s because writing the story hurts me.  I recently hinted at this back and forth feeling in the post Maybe Is the Theme, dated February 1, 2022.  Each time I make substantial progress, I uncover yet another level of emotions, going through transformative experiences, examining myself, and trying to understand how God works each time.

As of today, the pain of the story becomes unbearable only on occasion.  Now, I accept that I must author this story for authoring it will give me the power to formally end hurting inside, and ultimately free myself from it.

I am actively working within the Hay House Publishers community and find other authors who understand and are quite encouraging and helpful.

Here is the proposed book title and hook.

Title

Fighting Over Momma

” A Son’s Journey to Honorably Serve His Dying Mother”

Hook

“Accused of kidnapping by viciously jealous siblings, New Orleans Creole outcast, Kevy Michaels defies all odds and personal attacks, knowing that as his mother’s chosen one, he was destined to serve, comfort, and accompany her on a mutually transformational journey”

God is good all the time!  I recently realized that my story is about the evolution of being able to write this story if that makes sense.  God helped me to figure this one out.  I may have found “my voice”.

Kevy


During my efforts to write a memoir on my journey as a despised caregiver for my elderly mother, I experienced many emotional and spiritual phases.  This is the main reason that this book is so tough to complete.  I am still being transformed through writing it.  And transformation takes time.

I’ve been writing the story for over 10 years now and have enough already written to publish two or three books.  But the hard part is compiling and editing it all.  It is challenging because every time that I revisit the story, reflections stab me in the heart, once again.  It still seems unconscionable that my very family betrayed me as calculated as they did.  Accurately capturing the full experience and emotion, from my mother and my perspective requires a close examination of emails, pictures, complaint reports, medical records, and videos, namely of my mother expressing her wishes.  Sifting through, and reflecting on these mainly painful times, take a lot out of this still-broken man.  Please give a brother in pain empathy.  I feel that I really need it.

The good news is that I am evolving through this determined desire to tell my story by authoring a book and producing a movie.  I am developing “my voice”.  I have actually become eager to author this story.  I yearn for freedom!

This grueling battle still haunts me today.  I may be suffering PTSD as a result of it.  The only way that I feel that I can fully heal emotionally is to place the last period, on the last sentence and page of this story.

I have grown to continue to write by accepting that telling the story is the only way to end the pain and become totally free.  I say I’ve “grown” because initially my intentions were revengeful and filled with anger.  From that phase, I matured enough to put my own cards on the table, admit to my mistakes, and reveal my emotional vulnerabilities.  That was a tough one. 

It seems that now, I am moving into the empathetic stage.  I have empathy for my adversaries.  I can rationalize many reasons why they acted out of pain themselves.  But this understanding is not easy to reconcile with writing about their viciously orchestrated actions against me and my mother.  After all, they did do what they did.

Though far from there, I can even predict the next phase of this transformative journey.  I will forgive them.  That’s has been written.  Forgiveness is the ultimate spiritual elevation for me.  Doing so is a passionate desire of mine.  But I am too fractured to do that right now.

I get too caught up in whether forgiveness has a time requirement attached to it, and if forgiving means once again trusting them and freely interacting with them like nothing ever happened.  As much as I want to, I can’t comprehend being so honorable now.  I do, however, keep planted in mind a vision and spiritual mission to do so, but not right now.

Recently, I’ve become energized to complete my story, getting advice and guidance from other authors.  Writing this story is more than just authoring a book.  The journey of writing itself is painfully transformative.  I need all the encouragement and guidance that I can get.  The Hay House community has been a godsend in this regard.

WordPress is full of published and aspiring authors.  Some out there may understand my writing challenges and offer advice and guidance, I hope.  Kevy


When I first had the notion to author a book on the vicious rivalry that erupted when I took over care of my mother, resentment and revenge were primarily on my mind.  The mere shock at the lengths that they went to, coupled with having no clue that they could be so evil, was agonizing from many perspectives.  It provoked anger.  Sure, we all had differences growing up, but never like this.  The pain of their deception made authoring a book to expose the truth, and produce a movie to show it, the ideal revengeful remedy to my pain.

At the time, Tyler Perry’s Black family drama-themed movies were popular.  I used to watch these movies regularly with my mother as I cared for her.  We would watch them over and over, each time like the first.  She loved them all but especially loved to watch Martin, Sanford and Son, and Good Times reruns.  I still have boxes of hundreds of movies I used to purchase for her at the pawnshop on Magazine Street, in Uptown New Orleans.

I wrote to Tyler Perry on several occasions but was never successful getting through to him.  I was sending comments to an avatar of him on FB.  A Netflix-connected production house pursued my story.  I discontinued our discussions after I found that their contract would take away most of my creative rights.

These closed doors never broke my stride, though.  In my view, it was setting me up for an even sweeter victory, once my vision would inevitably manifest.  So, I kept writing.  …Years of writing, prompt-driven, reflection-driven, and triggered by viewing pictures and videos.

When I first had the notion to author a book, I was aware of all the research material that I would need.   I was once to systems analyst for major corporations.  Documenting well is in my blood.  I already had videos, pictures, emails, legal, and other documents to support my story.  I kept this evidence to protect myself from my family’s evil tactics, originally not knowing that they would later serve as the basis to write a memoir.

My siblings were constantly accusing me of brainwashing my mother, elder abuse, having severe mental illnesses, stealing, and even trying to kill.  I had to be able to disprove any lie that they threw at me because their lies resulted in state elder abuse investigations.  And, with this level of vindication, and my mother steadfastly defending me, I was ultimately exonerated.

But having all of this information was worse than having none at all when it came to writing a memoir.  Weeding through it, piecing it together chronologically was a challenging task, and it evoked deeper pain every time I attempted to make progress.

I had, prior to the incidents, been attending writing workshops and classes.  Prior to the caregiving terror though, I would also write about the pain of living with a chronic illness and used my writings, especially poetry, as my own therapy.

I wrote poetry almost daily as I experienced the terror of caregiving, as well.  Though many poems weren’t very professionally written and contained typos, I sent them nonetheless to my siblings to highlight and shun their behavior.  It didn’t work, though.  They remained silent, as they do today.  I’m glad that I wrote and preserved these works.  They are all dated and express the emotions that I felt at any given time throughout this ordeal.

I wanted to produce a video for my mother’s memorial, so I hired a videographer.  He mainly worked on weddings and happier events but took on the job.  I gathered footage and pictures of my mother.  Reviewing all of these memories under his deadline, after she had just died, was tear-jerking.  It also ignited anger.  The video came out fairly well, with errors, but I was pleased with it at the moment.  I distributed a copy to immediate and extended family and friends.

But this memorial video was about my mother’s life and legacy.  It was not about how she was deceived and disrespected by her own children.  That story had to be told.  I was a witnessing victim who was spiritually transformed by it!  I had to tell this story.

Eventually, my aspirations evolved into anger as the motivating factor for authoring my story.  Often, as I dug into my family’s dirty deeds, I’d send my siblings and other family members evidence of their evildoings.  That didn’t work either.  They just remained silent.  It did not stop me from digging, writing, or sending proof of their evil deeds, including sharing videos in which my mother chastised them.


Recently, I became extremely ill, with an unusually bad cold.  I caught this cold in a mysteriously weird way!  Without going into details, I stumbled upon casual friends at Costco, whose ideology, spirituality, and politics always puzzled me, but nonetheless friends.  Immediately, when they walked up to me, I felt an intensely undeniable feeling of negative energy, like witchcraft!  It almost felt like what I imagined a spell feels like when someone is casting one.  I noticed it but shunned it off.

Days later, I experienced a worse cold than I can ever remember, exactly as they expressed, they had just overcome.  I am not superstitious, but still question if the feeling of mysterious dark energy, and catching the worse cold ever were connected.

People, especially Baptists, say, “God’s good, all the time.”  I believe and live by this cliché.  God was being “good” “all the time” as I endured through every trial that I’ve faced, including chronic illness episodes, and family terror.  God graced the “spell” and bad cold too.  I realize this now that I’ve healed.  I’m feeling emotionally elevated as a result of persevering through this recent illness.  I detoxed my body, mind, and spirit through the two weeks that I was in bed, alone and extremely sick.

I’ve experienced variations in this same scenario several times before, being sick and alone, feeling that no one really cared.  …Having no one to call.  …Having no family, just being imprisoned in sickness and loneliness.  Through each episode, in the end, I heal a bit more holistically, though.

Because when I find myself in this situation, I pray and meditate continuously for hours each day, while doing intermittent soaks in mineral and essential baths.  My mother definitely influenced the ritual of repetitive prayer.  I drink close to two hundred ounces of water each day.  Usually, I ozonate the water, using one of my health devices.  I usually refrain from eating complete meals, often eating only apples, oranges, bananas, or other fruit.

Each day, I mix the ozonated water mixed with micronutrient superfoods, including fruit, vegetables, fiber, and pre and probiotics.  I also supplement with the most important ones in my view, Vitamins C, D, NAC, Zinc, Selenium, Quercetin, a multi, and Alpha Lipoic acid.  These are immune staples for me.  But not every day, only in times like these.  A rest tremendously too.  Illness is our built-in alarm, indicating that we need rest.  My rituals aim to heal my body, mind, and spirit.  And it works.

During these times, I reflect deeply on my life.  I find this to be a normal reaction.  When hospitalized, I’ve laid in the hospital bed often reflecting on my life.  This is how I could empathize with my mother’s emotional discomfort when my siblings would pay her “for the record” hospital visits.  I never did that to her, usually sleeping over at the hospital with her.

Just weeks ago, as I was sick, I watched what television that I could.  I watched every installment of the Judge Ketanji Jackson hearing and was infuriated at how racist and divided our country has become.  Though sick, I became angry with Silent White Liberals.  I sent friends and acquaintances texts and emails about their silence perpetuating racism.  They never replied, though.  But I did get it off my chest.


Betrayal In My Family Regarding The Russian Ukrainian War – Mar 2, 2022 – Andriy Vasylenko

https://linktr.ee/AndrewVasylenko

https://andriyvasylenko.com


In between breaks, I watched Russia’s atrocities against Ukrainians play like a movie on television, Russia’s actions, similar to America’s deeds, at other times, in other places.  I became bitter about this as well.  I called CSPAN and they aired my opinion on air live.  I expressed that America has never apologized or reconciled for its biggest sin, slavery, and has no moral standing to solve the world’s problems sincerely until it does.  I was on a roll!  I felt empowered to express my opinions without biting my tongue, because, after all, I was the one there having a chronic illness episode, dealing with it alone, but with God!  Surely, I wasn’t worried about pleasing anyone in this condition.

This is when I peeled yet another layer of the onion that makes writing my story a big challenge. 

 Illnesses and isolation trigger me to write!  With time on my hands, and fueled by politics, war, and racism, I reviewed materials related to my caregiving experience, and wrote copiously!  I wrote about ten chapters to my book in days.  I sent related videos to my family of my mother speaking in her own words, unfavorably their misdeeds.  I’d forgotten that I had these videos.  They served as the basis for my vigorous writings.  I am sure that I sent family members about twenty video links in emails and text messages.

In taking these actions, I began to feel a sense of liberation that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  I was so inspired that once I got stronger, I left the house and headed to my mother’s gravesite, then to the Rocky Mountain hot springs for two days to do more prayer and meditation.

As part of this evolutionary writing experience, I revealed in writing my faults in their eyes, mistakes I’ve made in my life, and misfortunes whereby I was the victim of friends and family that I sincerely trusted.  I revealed my vulnerabilities and shared emotionally uncomfortable experiences with nearly my entire family!

Doing so, opened more doors.  I felt released from my writing restraints.  I dared them to “pull their hoe card,” so to speak.  They were silent.  But I was set free to write more.

Today, authoring my memoir is a necessity for health and wellness in my mind, body, and spirit. 

Only by releasing this story, do I believe that I can release my pain, and my family along with it.  Forgiving them will take time.  It is a desire of mine, but secondary to healing myself.


Related Bible Quotes

As I mentioned, I know that Forgiveness is the ultimate scriptural achievement.  I am now entering the phase of writing whereby I am Googling scripture text on my writing journey.


What To Do When Your Beloved Betrays You? #UnplugwithSadhguru – Sep 18, 2018 – Sadhguru

Sadhguru answers a question on dealing with betrayal, especially betrayal by someone close to you.


Now, I feel that I can never trust them, for I can’t yet be in their presence, nor have any desire to see them.  I am still in considerable pain.  By I am becoming wiser.  I realize that I will have to Forgive and Trust them.  I accept this fate wholeheartedly.  I just don’t know when and how.  I will allow this too to evolve in God’s time.  Kevy

Check out Biblical quotes that I found, just to share a few.

“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me;

Then I could bear it.

Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;

Then I could hide from him.

13 But it was you, a man my equal,

My companion and my acquaintance.

14 We took sweet counsel together,

And walked to the house of God in the throng.

15 Let death seize them;

Let them go down alive into hell,

For wickedness is in their dwellings and among them.

16 As for me, I will call upon God,

And the Lord shall save me.

17 Evening and morning and at noon

I will pray, and cry aloud,

And He shall hear my voice.” ~ Psalm 55: 12 – 17

 

5 “A false witness will not go unpunished,

And he who speaks lies will not escape.” ~ Proverbs 19:5

 

6 “For even your brothers, the house of your father,

Even they have dealt treacherously with you;

Yes, they have called a multitude after you.

Do not believe them,

Even though they speak smooth words to you.” ~ Jeremiah 12:6

 

25 “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” ~ Mark 11:25

44 “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” ~ Matthew 5:44

 

27 But he said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” – ` 18:27

 

9 “Even my own familiar friend in whom I trusted,

Who ate my bread,

Has lifted up his heel against me.” ~ Psalm 41:9

 

16  “But I call to God,

and the Lord will save me.

 17  Evening and morning and at noon

I utter my complaint and moan,

and he hears my voice.

 18  He redeems my soul in safety

from the battle that I wage,

for many are arrayed against me.” ~ Psalm 55: 16 – 18

 

14 “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.8 Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it9 to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” ~ – Romans 12:14–21


Great Betrayal Will Come From Amongst Our Own Family | How To Have Hope Again – Mar 27, 2016 – New Heights Enrichment

How To Deal With Betrayal. We are often blindsided by it because it is the last thing we would expect.  You can expect it from enemies but your family? Jeremiah 12:6 your relatives, members of your own family– even they have betrayed you; they have raised a loud cry against you.

Please don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE.  If you have any prayer requests, submit them to newheightsenrichment@gmail.com.


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9 thoughts on “My Heart Drippings Went Into This Post! – The Evolution of Writing a Painful Memoir on Caregiving & Family Drama Is Transformative

  1. I have learned several things in this journey called life, particularly when it comes to healing and forgiveness…
    1. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. Jesus never told us to have a reason or a justification for forgiveness. He simply said forgive.
    2. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. These are not always synonymous.
    3. That whole “forgive 70×70” bit doesn’t always mean “490x and you’re done.” Sometimes, it’s gonna be 70×70 for that ONE offense for that ONE day. And when you wake up tomorrow, and the pain and anger is still there, you’ll have to start forgiving all over again.
    4. Sometimes, forgiveness is a lifetime process, but it is always a choice. It doesn’t just happen.
    5. Forgiveness is letting go of justification and judgement of the perpetrator to allow God to have His vengeance not us.
    6. The only way to truly know if you are “forgiving right” is to allow truth speakers in your life to speak into your life. Let someone show you where you’re wrong, or have a wrong perspective, and that’s when true transformation begins.
    7. The truth always sets you free.
    8. Prayer, Bible reading, praise, and being involved with a community of faith that gives the full gospel will always bring more healing than a life of isolation.
    9. Writing is a miraculous point of therapy when submitted to the heart of your Heavenly Father.
    10. His grace is sufficient.

    I hope these “learned lessons” help in your journey. You will be in my prayers. The journey of healing, and forgiveness is never easy and it’s never immediate. And anyone who says otherwise “is a liar and the truth isn’t in him.” 😉😂 Blessings!

    1. I’ve already surrendered to ‘God’s time’, allowing myself to be transformed with nearly each word I write.

      I admit to my wrongs in this situation, namely allowing anger to initially become my primary emotion, and judging their deeds, expecting them to change. I am human, and even those resentment emotions are a prelude to Forgiveness. I am past that.

      I am not sure what of the circumstances of your Forgiveness journey was, nor do I know how it felt to you. But, in my case, I battled all siblings, extended family, and authorities, all based on a meticulously calculated lie.

      My mother’s God-assigned role was to speak truth to an army of lies that could have gotten me undeservingly institutionalized, incarcerated, or could have killed me. I came close to death during this spiritual war, with blood platelets of 13!

      Only I know how that feel

      …to be totally caught off guard and betrayed by your own family, and others uninvolved in the story, but nonetheless on board, because the tactics were Satan-executed, and executed in the name of Jesus, Jehovah & Yahweh, by the very church community that many suggest and tout.

      Only I know how that feels, and my spirit tells me that all Forgiveness is not monolithic. …. not equal journeys. Each case happens in God’s time, relative to the individual and circumstances.

      I appreciate your discerned advice.

      Forgiveness is already my choice. Moreover, Forgiveness is actually my Blessing, waiting for me.

      But, no one knows or can preach to me on when and how it’s supposed to occur for me. I don’t even know. They can, as you did, stress it’s importance. I concur and get that.

      Bit, it’s my journey and I am grateful that I have already chosen to pursue true Forgiveness, sincerely

      Luv
      Kevy

      1. Umm…it feels as if your response is a bit combative, and for that, I suppose I am a bit confused…
        Not needing another reply necessarily, but only to be clear of my approach: I’m glad your journey is yours, and mine is mine. I’m glad forgiveness is already your choice, and I definitely wasn’t replying as if I knew how you felt, nor what is best for you. What works for one may not work for another. I simply was giving you the points I have learned on this journey to hopefully be small help in any way possible.
        And I definitely would not insinuate your journey is anything but that, yours. Blessings on your journey. Sincerely.

        1. …Not combative at all.

          It’s just that I hear the same advice repeatedly. I agree with the advice, but no one’s advice can accelerate the timing of a process that will only occur naturally.

          The defensiveness in my response is because of repeatedly hearing the same advice as though it’s not blatantly obvious to me. It is. .

          Forgiveness is very obvious and desired. It just doesn’t happen on a whim, I would imagine for most.

          Suggesting that I find a church community was annoying just based on my experience with people in the Black church especially. I see the church is a meeting place for Satan’s workers, in my experience.

          …No hate, just absolution. Blessings Kevy

  2. First I want to thank you for choosing to follow my blog. I pray it aids in your healing process. And please, note before you can reach full healing, forgiveness does have to take place. Forgiveness on your part whether it is received or not by your siblings. You can only take charge of you. Don’t let unforgiveness hold you hostage. Only in forgiveness will you find freedom and sometime this has to be revisited because you have an enemy greater than your siblings that doesn’t want you to succeed. The good news—as a follower of Christ, the One in you is greater than your enemy. May you come to know the sure mercies and comfort found in Christ.

    1. I appreciate your divinely-inspired words of wisdom, encouragement, and most of all, of love.

      I have been transformed by this milestone of my life, and I keep getting re-transformed, to the point where nothing in the external world that was once important even matters to me anymore.

      I am grateful for the continual Enlightenment cycles, but sometimes it is too much to bear. I have a human side that hurts, like humans do sometimes.

      …Not every day as it used to be, but only when reflecting, and writing. Lately, I concluded that writing about it is the end of the milestone.

      I realize and look forward to attaining forgiveness. It will be the gateway to my emancipation.

      But, I am letting my spiritual journey unfold organically. I’ve improved emotionally and elevated spiritually over the past 10 years. I welcome the final step, but must heal in others ways as the prelude. Blessings, Kevy

  3. Alruth Toney

    Kevin,
    I am praying for you. Don’t try to correct others and don’t let them use up your good time and rile you up. Say it and forget it write it and regret it!
    Your friend
    Alruth

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