…Been Melancholy – Wonder If U Ever Felt This Way – Not To Worry – It’s Only A Season

I apologize for not posting more frequently lately. 

Outside of social media, video editing classes, and volunteering taking more of my time, I would normally still find time to write.  Lately, I haven’t, though.  And, I love writing!

I actually write nearly every day.  I write in emails, copyedit for other publications, research everything extensively, and regularly update a condo owner community that I am in the process of organizing. I also write privately.  This is mainly full baked or half-baked ideas that I keep to myself.

But for the past few days, I have been feeling very melancholy.  It has impeded my writing.

mel·an·chol·y    ˈmelənˌkälē/ noun   a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.  “an air of melancholy surrounded him”

 Don’t get me wrong.  I haven’t really been sad or depressed.  I no longer get depressed.  That ended years ago.  I found that being depressed got me nowhere but sunk deeper in despair.  Besides, my faith is strong.  I have never found it challenging to muster up hope and faith, even in the darkest of times.

16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My unwavering faith and trust in God make it nearly impossible for me to not maintain a state of gratitude and hopefulness.  Therefore, I no longer get depressed.  I see depression as an insult to God.

I am quite familiar with the melancholy feelings that I experience because I experienced them before.  I usually find myself a bit drained, especially creatively, even though I had gotten more than an adequate amount of sleep.  I do not have much of an appetite, and nothing really excites me, when I feel this way.  I certainly do not want to write a post in this state, nor do I feel as though I have to energy to do so.  For about 3 days, I have been caught in this ho-hum vibration.

I am very grateful and confident in the spiritual wisdom that I’ve gained over the years, and from others, mainly my mother Eunice.  I do not have a glimmer of doubt about God’s grace and his love for me.  I have seen God’s works in my life, and in others’ to ever be a nonbeliever!  But even immersed in Faith, Hope and Gratitude, there comes a melancholy season, and there is nothing you can do to change it, but surrender to it.

“As seasons change, life changes!”  – Lily Amis

I am a firm believer in Seasons.  The concept of Seasons holds true on many levels, spiritually, medically, financially, and emotionally.  We are never supposed to be just one way.  There really is a time for spiritual connection and deviation.  There is a time for health and illness.  There is a time for affluence, and for humility.  And, there is a time for being joyous, and for being melancholy.

We spend a lot of time and money trying to defy the seasons but never win.  Seasons are divine, commanded by God, for our growth, just as he commands it for trees that endure through brutal winters.

“There is a season for everything under the sun—even when we can’t see the sun.” 
― Jared Brock

Seasons permeate through everything, even at the most intricate levels.  It’s easy to understand when you accept everything changes.  Nothing remains the same, nothing.  Changes are seasons.  Seasons chronicles growth.  Growth signifies wisdom and discernment.  Therefore we must be silently observant of the changes happening around us, including unexplainable mood changes.

Since I recognize the change in seasons on many levels, I am alert not to attempt to fight them, but rather to surrender to them.  For the past few days, I surrendered to being a bit down, but without an identifiable reason.  And I found comfort in doing so and felt no guilt about not posting.  I would not want to post in this frame of mind anyway.

I have reflected on past times when I felt this way and discovered a few patterns that contribute to this sentiment.

  • One of the main reasons that I become melancholy is because my spiritual awakening has made me analytical and inquisitive about everything. There isn’t a thing that I do today, without making it a spiritual choice.  I do this with my diet, creativity, business decisions, and even when writing on my blog.  I only pursue those things that I believe that God smiles on.  When it comes to writing, I don’t write when I don’t feel like writing and interpret my feelings as what God desires.
  • Being so analytical has disadvantages as well. I look at the world, politics, world events, news, and civilization in general, through a spiritual lens.  Through my lens, I see so much unnecessary strife but have no power to significantly change the dismal outlook of others.  It can be a downer to feel like an outcast for seeing life as I do, and not being able to share it or persuade others.  It is even more of a downer at times, to find few who even understand, what I strongly feel my heart.
  • Too often, I must isolate my feelings when in open groups, simply because expressing them usually doesn’t garner understanding, receptivity, and may even cause arguments. So, I remain quiet most of the time.
  • What also contributes to me being melancholy is guilt. Because I place so much emphasis on the choices that I make and pleasing God in the process, I often feel guilty for the slightest thing I do or don’t do.  If I don’t eat healthy, for only a day, I will be filled with guilt.  The same happens if I don’t pray or meditate.  I am under the constant scrutiny of myself and my choices.  This can be a downer at times.
  • I also feel down because of my fear of success. I realize that this sound arrogant, but I believe that I have a second shot a success.  I have experienced it once, and therefore feel I can again.  But memories of my first successes is what frightens me today.  Being financially and socially successful was a very challenging responsibility.  I often think that I tried my level best to accommodate others’ reactions to my success.  I saw myself as handling success well, with humility.  But family and friends were the ones who could not handle it.  They pressured me to fit in with behaviors that non-successful people do, such as using drugs.  They asked for money and borrowed, without the intention of ever paying back.  They repeatedly gossiped about blemished on my life to downplay my success.  When I was successful, I was miserable trying to manage the people around me, who would only abandon me, when I was no longer a shining star.  I am afraid of having to face those challenges again, even though I’ve learned from my mistakes.  This fear inhibits me.
  • I am afraid sometimes to move as boldly as I would ordinarily. I also think that I have some audacity to think that I, of all people, am worthy of inspiring and informing others.

The lack of clarity in what God expects of me sometimes tries my patience.  I am sure that this is by design so I guess it indicates that I must become even more patient.

But, not being really sure about whether I should proceed, and how I should proceed puts me in a funk at times.  It is one of the biggest influencers of my sad moods.

This feeling is a very unusual feeling.  Though I am a bit down, I am not depressed or worried. And though I may feel a bit uncertain, I know that a big blessing is headed my way.  I become melancholy because my inquisitive nature causes me to wonder whether I am worthy and whether my pursuits are what God desires.  Though I never directly get the answers to these questions.  I feel affirmative in heart, soul, and spirit that everything will turn out fine.

That’s why I never worry about this feeling when it arrives. 

Though it involves a lot of mixed and contrasting emotions, I do not scrabble my brain trying to understand what it all means.

I believe that not all things are meant to be understood by man. 

Since I believe that God’s understanding is more like 3-D understanding, and mine is more like one-dimensional, I never expect to understand how God works.  My lack of understanding is what keeps me going spiritually to seek greater understanding.

“Even if today may seem to be a time of total darkness, it will not last forever.  The dawn will surely come if you advance, ever forward, without being defeated.  The day will definitely come when you can
look back fondly and declare, “I am savoring this happiness because I struggled back then.”  It is those who know the bitterness of winter that can savor the true joy of spring.” – Daisaku Ikeda

I simply surrender to these melancholy periods.  They are only temporary, as are all seasons, and all things. I know that literally and figuratively, spring will always come.  And, it will come to my mind, my emotions, my body, and each of my endeavors, if I simply accept the existence of winter and fall, and surrender to it, until it passes.  …Which it always does.

Winter and Fall seasons, seasons of some discomfort, are simply the prelude to the sun.  These periods exist to showcase forthcoming joy.

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” – Anne Bradstreet

I apologize for not posting more frequently.  Though I haven’t posted, I have many ideas rattling in my head, including writing on Race, Essential Oils, The Existence of Multiple Realities, and Admitting to UR Wrongs.

I will complete the Terror on the Caregiver series in about 5 – 7 more installments.  As I’ve mentioned before, writing this series is very painful for me, therefore I am unveiling it very methodically.  It conjures up many hurtful memories.  But nonetheless, I am committed to writing and completing this story and getting a more robust version published. It is part of my healing and a covenant with God and my mother that I will write this story.

I am my own man, outside of God’s magnetic influence over my being.  I only write when I feel I should.  That is why some comment that they feel my emotions in my writing.  I pour them into my posts, and therefore cannot turn the required feelings on an off like a switch.

When I feel like finishing the Terror on the Caregiver series I will.  I feel that soon, I should post another installment.  Please bear with me.

1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:” – Ecclesiastes 3:1

I share my deepest feelings and thoughts with you because, though recognizing that many may not feel as I do, there are some who have or are experiencing the same sentiments.  These are the people with whom, I most want to connect.  I want to bless and intensify our spirits, energy, and influence on the greater whole that we all are as ONE.

Please share with me any melancholy feelings that you’ve experienced, and how you manage them.

“Like the seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.” – Khalil Gibran

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Autumn passes and one remembers one’s reverence.
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Life can be compared to the characteristics of the seasons. There are times when you are faced with cold, hard, stormy weather in your life. Then there are times when you can make a new fresh start and grow. So when you are facing tough times remember that God has deemed a time for everything under heaven. You can’t give up when in the winter of your life because you could miss the promise of your spring and the beauty of your summer. Music by Kevin Kern – Remembering the Light

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I feel seasons everywhere, and I feel blessings in the air; (those seeds that you’ve sown), (you’re gonna come into your own, seasons), walk into your seasons.

Verse 1:

I believe we’re in a time when God’s gonna bless the saints, those who have stayed, those who have prayed, He’s gonna fulfill the promise He made; for I heard the Spirit say, it’s your time, the wait is over, walk into your season.

Verse 2:

I know that you’ve invested a lot, the return has been slow, you throw up your hands and say I give up, I just can’t take it anymore; but I hear the Spirit say, that it’s your time the wait is over, walk into your season.

Chorus Bridge:

You’ve survived the worst of times, God was always on your side; stake your claim, write your name, walk into this holy place. (I hear the Spirit saying, that it’s your time, the wait is over)

Vamp 1:

The wait is over it’s your time. Vamp 2: The wait is over. Ending: (I heard the Spirit say, that it’s your time, the wait it over), walk into your season.

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