Forgiving Is Easy – Forgetting’s The Hard Part
I stayed up all night last night, just to research and write this post for my followers.
I did so because the internal turmoil that Forgiving & Forgetting has caused me for years, flares up from time to time. I couldn’t sleep until I expressed my sentiments in this post.
The Forgiving part has been easy for me. I have forgiven myself, and my adversaries. I have accepted that the past cannot be changed, and with regard to them, “they are what they are”.
The forgetting part is never-ending, though. I thought that the two are supposed to work together, but now question that theory.
I just can’t shake the deep pain caused by family, friends, and those close to me. My pain flare-up kept me up all night.
Let me put things in perspective quickly, so that you understand why it is so painful and difficult for me. I have a lot to try to erase.
Here are some of the persecutory actions taken against me back-to-back and simultaneously over about a 10 year period, by several people (namely friends and family) closest to me:
- Manipulated for money, tens of thousands, and told ‘See Ya’
- Verbally abused by others, under chemical or Satan’s influence
- Property and Financial destruction
- Unwarranted surveillance and investigations
- Reputation destruction via lies and deceit
- Snooping, Spying, and Stalked like a fugitive by Judases
- Emotionally diminished through scapegoating
- Abandoned when sick and broken
- Attempted murder, actual robbery, and physical violence against me multiple times
- Drugged and taken advantage of
- Accused of kidnapping, but exonerated
- Fake and non-certifiable Psychological profiles created to undermine me and for strategic legal reasons, but later ordered to be destroyed
- Staged incidents involving the New Orleans police department to make me appear as a physical threat and unstable
- Incitement of new stress-related chronic illnesses (I’m still managing this)
- Lies, Deceit, and Fraud against me and my mother
- Mobbing – Ganging up against me, on a foundation of lies
- Deception By those with religious prowess
- Deception by government and agency officials, as a favor for my assailant’s narrative
- Investigated by Texas and Louisiana agencies for elder abuse and kidnapping, but later exonerated
- Computer hacks, destroying important files and documents
- Jealousy Enacted
- Demeaned, belittled, humiliated, and disrespected unfairly
- Abused by those who I unconditionally helped prosper, and when in need
- Tricked when I was low and vulnerable
- Shunned and excommunicated
- Rumors and Gossip
- Driven to bankruptcy – Loss of everything
My dear friends, I am hurting from all of this, and I have yet to present the details to you!
Even though I have forgiven my assailants, and am attempting to rebuild relationships and trust with some, I still feel the pain, especially coupled with the grief of my mother’s death.
Here are steps that I took in attempts to heal my troubles:
- Hired mediators and consultants to sort out family problems, but to no avail. It backfired on me. I, the victim, was turned into the antagonist.
- Supported sought help, counselling, and recovery for those who still caused me pain
- Apologized, when there was no need on my part to do so. My adversaries consistently felt that they have nothing to apologize for.
- I accepted a few of them back into my life, though they never really apologized or want to discuss the actions that caused me emotional and physical harm. They just wanted to ‘make nice’ with me, and really wanted their deeds to remain hidden. This was their unwritten agreement.
- I alerted my betrayers that I would be writing about their actions against me alone, and me and my mother, giving them a chance to reconcile. They refused to take that opportunity. They actually never responded, with few exceptions.
- I prayed for them, and that God will grant me peace and heal my pain.
- I’ve forgiven them, and myself.
I feel that I have done my part. There is no more that I can do with them! I must heal myself, with God’s grace.
But still, I have deep pain from these attacks, because in spite of undisputable evidence of what they’ve done, and them knowing what they did, my adversaries continually deny any responsibility. They follow a well-scripted false narrative that others believe.
I still forgive them, though.
I just can’t forget what each one did! I can’t forget how they not only hurt me, but also my mother. I can’t forget how friends turned their backs on me and projected on me, trying to make me the aggressor that I was not.
I remember each incident vividly and want to erase them, but can’t seem to.
My last attempt is to release the pain through this blog posts and later books & other projects, maybe even doing some motivational speaking.
Followers, I need your help on this, please!
Share with me your strategies for dealing with Forgetting betrayals and deception that may have occurred in your life.
I am particularly interested in those stories involving deception by family and close friends. This type of cruelty is much more intense for the victim than others, because you are persecuted by those with whom you are most vulnerable, and by those who you thought ‘had your back’.
I think I know how Jesus must have felt, when betrayed by Judas. This is how I feel now.
Perhaps someone will provide a key to helping me to heal my pain, triggered by that which I cannot forget.
Please comment and enter this discussion so that we may gain wisdom on Forgiving & Forgetting together.
I need your assistance by suggestion and comment.
This post is apropos for future posts. With regard to the Terror on the Caregiver series, I will be posting more content soon, and will dig deeper into my terror with each subsequent post.
It hurts every time I rehash the stories to share, but I continue to reflect and write, because I am hopeful that letting it all out will heal me, will speak for someone else who’s not as expressive, and perhaps, help someone.
My intentions are good ones with regard to the blog and stories. They may seem disingenuous to those without love in their hearts, because I reveal everyone’s skeletons, but it’s not. I am intentionally changing names to protect my tormentors’ identity. I’ve alerting them that this was coming, hoping that we’d reconcile before the full story is revealed.
But, these offer were not accepted. The tormentors were non-responsive, even the ‘good church-going, scripture-spitting Christians’. My pain does not subside, but intensifies every time I go through this process.
If I were not to tell the truth of their attacks, it would be unfair that I’d reveal my flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses, while still in pain, and being impacted medically today, but sparing their feelings.
So, I decided not to try to spare their feelings. Most have none anyway, and won’t be impacted by my stories, which they all know are true.
Instead, I decided to honor the 9th commandment and tell the truth. What is good for me, is good for them. My story would be almost fictional, if I left out their unbecoming acts, and only provided mine.
So I will proceed in truth, even if I lose the few with whom I am trying to rebuild trust.
In the next Terror on the Caregiver posts, I will begin unveil the gritty details of specifically what was done to me and my mother, as well as, present the persons and personalities that did it.
Not lying is inscribed in The Word. Because I decided to keep the names anonymous, and gave them a chance to atone, I don’t feel that my actions are retaliatory.
Nonetheless, the pain seems to never leave. I want it to go away. I have so many good things that I want to share with the world, if only I can get past this hurdle of pain.
Please provide suggestions, if you feel called to. I will post your comments.
I’ve mentioned that I do research on the each article. Over time, I am getting wiser and wiser through my research. This is a residual benefit of sharing my life and wisdom with others. I get rewarded with more wisdom from the research, and from followers’ feedback and comments.
Researching Forgetting revealed that I was operating under many false assumptions. If I can practice Forgiving & Forgetting, taking heed to the tips below, I might just be able to ease my emotional pain.
My research revealed many startling myths about Forgiving & Forgetting, letting me know that many of my assumptions on the topic were wrong. I am anxious to share my finding because many of these myths are what conventional thinkers believe, though they are wrong.
Below, I have provided articles, posts, and videos on Forgiving & Forgetting. I highly recommend that you review them carefully, for you will be surprised with the recommendations and lessons.
It is my hope that in exchange for sharing this post that you will, through your comments, share wisdom that I can use on Forgetting. I want there to be a silver bullet to take my pain away quickly. Help Kevy out.
Note: I have highlighted the most surprising and helpful recommendations in each of the posts or videos below.
Is Forgiving Forgetting? What to Do When You Remember Pain – Biblical Counseling Coalition – Lee Lewis – January 22, 2016
- The phrase “forgive and forget” is not found in Scripture.
- However, Scripture does say that love keeps no record of wrongs and that love conquers a multitude of sins. But does this mean you simply forget the sin committed against you?
- Forgive and forget” most likely comes from passages like Psalm 103:12 and Micah 7:19.
- “As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)
- “He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities under foot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” (Micah 7:19)
- Because of Christ’s atoning work on the cross, God will never again allow the knowledge of these sins to play a part in relating to you. Humans are not able to do this perfectly like God does, and this is why regular reminders of the gospel are so important.
- Christ’s atoning work on the cross perfectly covers all of your past, current, and future sins.
- “Is the saying forgive and forget biblical”? No, it is not. But God perfectly models what forgiveness entails through Christ.
How do you process remembered pain in light of forgiveness?
When memories of pain and sorrow caused by others come up, you have this promise at hand:
Through Christ you are freed up to remember the pain endured and not to be determined by the memory.
Second Corinthians 5:17 says it best:
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
How do you turn remembered pain and sorrow into a godly sorrow?
- There are so many things that can quickly provoke a memory. Think of God and how his mercy and your faithfulness endured you during that season of your life.
- In bringing memories of pain under Christ you acknowledge that you have not been left alone. Your story of pain becomes His story of redemption. It is laid down for His glory!
- Honestly and humbly ask the Lord to reveal anything He might want to teach you in light of the memories
- As he disarms your heart and gently pours Truth over the memories, you should allow the gratitude and worship to flow towards Christ.
4 Reasons to Forgive but Not Forget – Psych Centrol – By Kurt Smith, Psy.D., LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Forgiving & Forgetting is great in theory, but in reality it’s difficult.
Below are four reasons why it’s important to forgive but not forget.
- Forgiving is critical to our emotional health. By refusing to forgive someone, we’re choosing to hold on to all the anger and bitterness that their actions have created.
- We can learn from past experiences. We need to take what we can learn, be mindful of the lesson, and move on. This may mean moving on with or without the person who hurt us
- Forgiving can strengthen our relationships. All relationships can be restored, and even deepen and thrive, not in spite of what happened in the past but because of it
- We safeguard ourselves from being a victim of the same offense again.
There is great value in mastering the skill of forgiving but not forgetting. Taking good care of ourselves requires regular forgiveness of others. Remember, we do it for us, not for them. And we don’t obsess, but we don’t forget, either, so we can take the valuable life lessons with us.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Forgetting – And six more things we get wrong about forgiveness – BY SHANE PRUITT – MAY 17, 2016
Matthew 6:14–15, where Jesus said, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” It teaches us that if we’re going to be recipients of God’s grace, then we must give grace to others.
He is teaching us that the most practical way to show the world that we understand the Gospel of forgiveness is by showing the world that we know how to forgive.
So, what is forgiveness?
One of the best definitions on forgiveness comes from—of all places—Wikipedia, where it’s described as “the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”
Wow! True forgiveness is not just “letting go” of anger, bitterness and resentment, but, it’s also wishing well for the one who hurt you.
There are stories that involve true heartbreaks, letdowns and victimizations. In these kinds of stories, forgiveness can only come from God because it takes a God-sized forgiveness.
Some of the myths about forgiveness, and call them what they are: myths.
- Myth: Forgiveness Means You Have To Forget – Memories are very real, especially if they’re memories wrapped in hurt. They may always be there. However, there is a wonderful opportunity to operate in a lifestyle of saying, “I have not been able to forget. I remember it very well, and yet by God’s grace I still choose to forgive.”
- Myth: Forgiveness Means That You’re Condoning Their Actions.
- Myth: Forgiveness Means You Have To Be A Doormat.
- Myth: Forgiveness Means You Have To Be Friends – God must first forgive the one who is doing the forgiving; then the forgiving one must truly experience and enjoy God’s forgiveness. Then and only then can that person be in a healthy place to allow God to grant forgiveness through them to the transgressor. In short, forgiveness comes from God, not us.
- Myth: Forgiveness Is Based On The Other Person’s Actions – Often, people will say, “I will forgive that person when they ask me for it and start doing things to deserve my forgiveness.” However, this is a myth because we’re commanded to forgive, whether someone asks for it or not
- Myth: Forgiveness Is Easy – Sadly, forgiveness is not easy. It’s also not difficult. Forgiveness is actually impossible. In our natural state, we want to hold onto unforgiveness, bitterness and anger because on some level it makes us feel in control. We want that person to hurt like we hurt. We simply can’t change these feelings on our own. However, the good news is that we have a God that makes the impossible, possible. “For nothing will be impossible with God (Luke 1:37).”
Forgiveness Made Me More Resentful – Creator of Manifest Grace – Jeanette Cajide – Jun 20, 2017
It often felt impossible to forgive for past hurts.
I remember past hurts and I replay the sequence, as I remember it, in my head. I’ve tried all the methods of forgiveness such as:
- Writing a letter and burning it.
- Imagining I’m sending the hurt off in a hot air balloon.
- Going to a church, lighting a candle and praying like my life depended on it.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
I replayed the scenes in my head to see if I could have done anything differently, or even said anything differently.
I order to forgive someone, you have to know and accept that the circumstance cannot be any different.
The easiest path to genuine forgiveness is to live in the present and accept that the past cannot be different.
Who would have thought that you would be betrayed by your own family? These are the people you trusted, you grew up with, they’re supposed to have your back, not stab you in the back
- You must come to grips with the fact that betrayal by family members is quite common and has been going on for years. There’s something terribly unsettling with not being able to trust your own family.
- Who is better qualified to break you down and expose you for every weakness you have, or any misstep you’ve ever made but the people who know you best and have been the closest to you. Even the bible warns of it, “your worst enemies will be the members of your own family” (Matthew 10:36) and if that wasn’t enough, try this on for size, “Even those closest to you–your parents, brothers, relatives, and friends–will betray you. They will even kill some of you” (Luke 21:16).
- While you might expect to be the victim of betrayal of friendsor most anyone, it never occurs to you that your family might be the ones who turn out to be the most toxic individuals, or your enemies, until it happens to you and you’re left having to deal with betrayal.
- One of the most common reasons you might be betrayed by family is jealousy.
- If you’re in a position to enjoy life more fully and completely than your family member who feels he or she is more deserving, they might be tempted to throw a wrench into the machine to cause your potential success to fail.
- A family member might want to knock you down a peg or two in an effort to even the playing field or even usurp their authority over you, as if to prove you couldn’t possibly make it without them.
- Then there are the haters, those negative people who can’t help themselves, their first thought is to attack anyone, for no apparent reason, just to spread the hate. They are hardwired to be hatemongers and there’s nothing they can do about it.
- Regardless of why you have been betrayed by your family, nothing hurts worse than being betrayed by those who are closest to you leaving heartfelt wounds and scars, and you must take steps to protect yourself from this kind of abuse.
- Do not waste your energy arguing and fighting with the family who has betrayed you.
- If you want to know how to get over betrayal by family members, you have to distance yourself from the abuse.
- You must stop treating them like family if they have posted up to treat you as their enemy.
- You must treat betraying family members just like anyone else who might abuse or betray you, or who is toxic.
- Bless them because they are your family, but walk away, and brush their dirt from your shoes. Don’t look back, and just keep walking.
The One Mantra That Will Help You Heal From Betrayal – By Tanya Markul – Mind Body Green – June 17, 2015
- Getting betrayed by someone you care about you is incredibly painful. There’s no other way to put it, really.
- There was ultimately deeper self-work I had been resisting.
- Then I came across a saying by Sri Swami Sivananda Saraswati (1887 –1963). It went like this, “The highest spiritual practice is to bear insult without returning it.”
- I knew this was true. But a small part of my mind could not handle turning the other cheek!
- So how did I get over it? What pushed me onto the higher road and led me away from revenge and self-destruction?
- There was just one destination I truly longed for — inner peace — and there was only one-way to get there. I needed to remember who I was. I basically adopted the following reminder as a mantra: “Remember who you are.”
- I realized that my mind had been hurt, but not the entirety of my being. Certainly not my authenticity. Not my creativity. Not even my talents.
- Even if someone steals from you, talks sh*t about you or gossips about you until their buns fall off — it doesn’t take a single thing away from who you really are.
You’ll realize that there is an invitation to grow when betrayal arrives at your feet.
10 Mistakes to Forgive But Never Forget – 10,051 views – Power of Positivity – Published on Apr 21, 2017
- Forgive people for these things, just never forget them…
- Sometimes people don’t see the issue
- Some people Will never change
- Some people don’t know how to give respect
- Some can’t take blame. The adversary acts as though you hurt them instead
- Acting as they don’t care are just walls they put up to protect themselves
- Some look for the bad in you because they are blind to problems within themselves
- Some can’t be honest
- Some thrive off of negativity
- Some don’t like themselves therefore don’t like you.
- Some weren’t raised like you were
- Everyone deserves forgiveness, but never forget
Why Your Family Hates You (8 Steps to Coping with ScapeGoating/Mobbing/Narcissism/Projection)) – 307,837 views – RICHARD GRANNON SPARTANLIFECOACH – Published on Apr 15, 2013
Your family loves you, but they hate you. It’s an ugly reality.
Solution – Great understanding
- Realize your family does not want what is best for you
- You are given two conflicting modes of communication that negate themselves
- Example – We are just trying to help. This is what is best for you. But their action
- They don’t want what’s best for you. What is best for you, may not be the best thing for them.
- Most families are sick. – Most family scapegoats a member.
- Mental Illness – Whole family units are mental ill. The weakest link then gets scapegoated…Emotionally sensitive, creative, intuitive, more artistic – They are scapegoated
- Tribalism – If you make anyone in a tribe feel less then you. Your success generates resentment. Your family does not want what’s best for you. They want for safest for the, safest for you, and make them feel better.
- You cannot stop them. You cannot, because they like it (what they do). They get enjoyment out of their deeds against you. Learn to live independently from the good or bad of others. Don’t look for consciousness, where there is none.
- Realize that your problem is normal. Others experience this. You are not out on your own.
- Forgive yourself – You may want to feel weak, needy, needing validation. You will not get it from your betrayers. They don’t want to like you.
- Do seek to increase your understanding of their techniques – projection (projecting negative onto others ), scapegoating, mobbing, and narcissism.
How to Stop Trying So Hard For People Who Don’t Care – 74,713 views – Infinite Waters (Diving Deep) – Published on Sep 9, 2015
- Stop trying so hard for people who don’t care
- Know thy worth – Why do we attract certain relationships that are not reciprocal – It’s not about what they are doing. It’s about knowing your worth
- Knowing who has my power – Reclaim your power to free yourself
- We have a heart connection with the betrayer
- Give people the benefit of the doubt until you find out
- We don’t value ourselves enough – We are trying too hard
- Don’t try to find a needle in a haystack – You have friends and others that love you, but you are looking for love from those who don’t offer it
- Do you love yourself 100% – If not, go to where you get your greatest power
- Ego mind wants to control the situation – Don’t want things to end of a bad note because out of harmony
- Be with those who remind you of who you are
- Not everyone is at the same level of consciousness as you – God is showing you, asking you why are you focusing on ones who do not love you – When others are around who really love you
- Ask them if they want to salvage the relationship. If they don’t want to, let them go
- Do you keep pursuing? Do you give up? Or Do you just don’t care? – With reciprocal connections.
How To Forgive When You Can’t Forget – 289,811 views – Marie Forleo – Published on Jan 12, 2016
- Forgiveness does not mean that you trust that person
- Forgiveness does not mean that you keep that person in your life
- Forgiveness requires that you rebuilt trust if you
- Forgiveness is for your Mental Emotional Freedom
How do you forgive someone who betrayed you…when you still don’t trust them?
Here’s how to forgive (and let go of the hurt) without forgetting.
- Forgive yourself. Don’t blame you.
- Forgive the adversary – Be willing to forgive. Simple prayer – While I don’t know how, God please help me to forgive
- Forgiveness is not a weakness – A Sign of Strength
Why Did Judas Betray Jesus? | Hard Questions – 12,233 views – Cornerstone Television Network – Published on Apr 11, 2014
Why Did Judas Betray Jesus
- There was a point in the Passover meal where Satan entered Judas – Satan does not just enter, you have to give him an opening
- Devil was coming at all angles to see how he could silence Jesus
- Choice – Judas made choices to force Jesus hand to become the messiah – We cannot presume to do God’s will without following his direction – He took his life because he disobeyed God – Suicide
- From the beginning he was in the group, but was not with the group
- All of us have something that disqualifies us to serve – Jesus did not just go to the ones who made decisions against Christ – Everyone can be chosen
- Money played a part – He was motivated by the money or he would not have plotted.
- Judas thought he would rise up, after bringing down Jesus
- What is the lesson? – No one should feel that they are too far out to serve God. There is grace for all.
- Judas was after the plan that God has ordained for Jesus
Great Betrayal Will Come From Amongst Our Own Family | How To Have Hope Again – 4,513 views – NewHeights Enrichment – Published on Mar 27, 2016
- Scripture – Luke 21:16 – Takes place in the last days –
“And ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death.”
- Very hurtful for your own family member to betrayal
- Jesus speaks about these things occurring during the last days
- How do we respond to this? – Very difficult and hurtful
- In David – Old Testament:
“The ones that ate bread with me, was the one the one who lifted up his heel against you.”
- Fact of life – People will betray you.
- When we see these things happening, Jesus said don’t panic – Luke 21; 9:
When you hear of wars and uprisings, do not be frightened. These things must happen first, but the end will not come right away.” –
- Victim – You have to move on with God – Discuss it, talk about it, pray about it
- How do you not be bitter? – Search our heart – Melt any hatred – Stay in the presence of the Lord – And he will do it. God has to heal it, not you alone
- This will happen. Many people go through family betrayal.
- We cannot allow bitterness to come into our heart – Stay in God’s grace.
Family Betrayal😢 …life as a targeted individual – 19,371 views – Enough is Enough – Published on Jun 5, 2017
Being betrayed by people we loved becomes a norm. Unfortunately, we have to learn how to forgive but never forget. Forgiveness doesn’t mean accept the actions of those who betrayed you. It means being able to get past the hurt, pain, depressing that the betrayal caused. Don’t let the actions of others to put you in a dark room and lock you in it forever. Nope take your life back and live.
- Family betrayal is very hurtful – Pain never goes
- Must Heal – Takes Time
- Does not mean you have to allow and accept those behaviors
- Forgive – Let go of the hate anger and pain
- Feed them with a long wooden spoon
- Take Control – Don’t deal with them until you are emotionally ready. Don’t feel obligated to go back to them as part of forgiveness. Why suffer?
- Let them know that you are happily unbothered in front of them.
- In private you display sadness, tears, resentment, but not in front of them
- Being silent is also betrayal. People who see things going on wrong but don’t help
- Some people who betray you, you must cut off completely when there is no trust
- Let God handle it – Have faith and trust that God will take you through this
- They will not get away with treating people the way that they do
- Surround yourself with a new circle of people who you can trust and who really love you
- Speak life into yourself
By Kevy Michaels
It’s seems easy for the king of the jungle
But not so much if you are the prey
It takes strength to fight your attackers
While passers-by just laugh in your face
It must be cool to be a non-believer
With so many who support your case
But the believer is fearless and unaccompanied,
Still standing, though
…Only by God’s Grace
But survival is still attainable
Strength will come from the monkeys
You no longer carry on your back
And how loving them throughout the battle
Made them less prone to launch an attack
You realized that God had been with you
Reflecting, while the lion was asleep
You pray that they too will learn, as you did
That what they sow, they shall certainly reap
Question: What do you think hinders people the most in moving beyond past hurts? What ways have you used to help people grasp the significance of forgiveness and forgetting in such cases?
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